Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Married and Miserable

What is the state of your marriage? Can you identify with this wife? “My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We don't believe in divorce, but our marriage is miserable. We have some big problems that we've never been able to resolve. We need help.”

I later discovered that this wife was married to an alcoholic husband who was also irresponsible in his work. Is there hope for their marriage? I believe there is, if she is willing to take the steps of tough love. Tough love holds the spouse accountable for negative behavior. To accept such behavior or even to argue over it does not improve the situation. Tough love offers hope.

Seek the Lord
There is hope for desperate marriages, and you must first of all adopt a positive attitude. You must agree that God is still in the business of changing lives and say, “Father, I know there is an answer to our problems. Show me the next step.” This focus on seeking solutions will lead you to answers.

A Powerful Influence
Can things change? Can spouses change? Can you help stimulate that change? Yes! Your most powerful influence is love. First, soft or tender love, like learning to speak your spouse's love language. Second is tough love, which says, “I love you too much to sit here and do nothing while you destroy our marriage.”

What are Your Options?
True or false? When you are in a desperate marriage, there are only two options – resign yourself to a life of misery, or get out. False! Many couples accept the commonly held idea that they should get out and start over, or just accept the fact that they'll live in misery forever. I want to suggest that there is a third option: Let God use you as a positive change agent in your marriage. You cannot make your spouse change, but you can positively influence your spouse. Most of us underestimate the power of influence.

Make a Request
The fact is, change is inevitable. Your marriage will either get better or worse. You can be a positive change agent in the hand of God for making it better. It starts by turning to God for His wisdom and power. He really does care about your marriage. Let God change your attitude and your heart, so you can be a part of the solution rather than a part of the problem.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from Desperate Marriages by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.