Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Living with an Irresponsible Spouse

When we enter marriage, we assume we are marrying a responsible person. We know that our roles will be somewhat different, but we each assume that our spouse will use his mind, skills, and energy for our mutual benefit. When it seems apparent that our spouse is not the responsible person we thought we married, we feel hurt, angry, and often agitated.

Our response is influenced by our personality. If I am by nature a “controller”, I will deliver anger lectures about irresponsibility. If I am a “peacemaker”, then I may suffer in silence. Neither of these approaches is very productive. The first step in becoming a positive influence on your irresponsible spouse is to identify the problem behind the behavior.

Behind the Behavior
Let’s assume that your husband has little ambition. He won’t work. He shows no interest in fathering or being a husband. What lies behind this? Let me suggest four possibilities:

1. He may be following the model of his father. He is simply doing what seems natural to him.
2. He may be rebelling against the model of his father. His father was a workaholic. As a child he decided that work was bad, and so consciously or unconsciously he is rebelling.
3. He has developed a self-centered attitude. He is a taker, not a giver.
4. His irresponsible behavior may be an expression of his resentment toward you. Whatever you want, he will move in the opposite direction. His needs are not met and this is his way of expressing it.

Understanding what is behind your husband’s irresponsible behavior will help you choose a positive approach to addressing the problem.

Your Responsibility
Positive action begins by examining your own behavior to see how you might be contributing to your spouse’s irresponsibility. Acknowledge your own imperfections. Ask for suggestions on how you can be a better spouse. If you're going to be a positive change agent, you must change the emotional climate.

A Small Request
Once your spouse gives positive feedback, you know you are getting through to them on an emotional level. Now it is time to make a request of them. “Do you know what I would really like? I would like for us to have a picnic. If I make the sandwiches, would you pack the drinks?” A small but specific request. If your spouse responds positively, you are on the road to seeing more requests honored. As they respond, you begin to feel loved. You can continue to influence them in a positive direction.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from Desperate Marriages by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.