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Sabtu, Maret 21, 2009

THE DIVINE SALEMANSHIP

Dear temans semua,

Akhir pekan yang indah sepertinya hari ini. Walaupun tadi malam tidur jam 3.00 pagi, sedang exciting belajar tentang internet marketing apalagi dengan berita dibukanya Clickbank untuk Indonesia menjadikan Inet Marketing sesuatu yang sangat menarik.

Saya belum mau membahas hal itu ( berhubung masih newbie juga, hehehe...) Saya mau share aja hal yang terus menerus muncul di kepala saya selama satu minggu ini. Sejak minggu lalu, setelah bersama-sama dengan pak Harry Uncommon dan bu Ietje Guntur dalam rangka kegiatan RUBI, terngiang-ngiang di kepala saya tentang kata THE DIVINE SALESMANSHIP. Terus saja kata ini bergaung di kepala saya. Saya belum terlalu mengerti kata itu, dan oleh karena itu memang sudah menjadi tugas yang seperti dipercayakan kepada saya lewat unconcious saya. Hmmm...

DIVINE itu berhubungan dengan keabadian, kesucian, keagungan, dan sebagainya. Sebuah penggambaran yang dibayangkan sebagai unsur yang tertinggi dalam kehidupan. Untuk mencapai hal tersebut diperlukan effort yang cukup keras dan meninggalkan keduniawian. SALESMANSHIP adalah sebuah tanggung jawab secara moral untuk mengembangkan kemampuan menjual yang dibarengi dengan attitude atau sikap yang baik. DIVINE SALESMANSHIP adalah penerimaan tanggung jawab moral untuk menjadi penjual yang menjunjung tinggi nilai keabadian.Nilai keabadian yang dimaksud disini adalah martabat yang mulia, yang berfokus pada mengembangkan kehidupan sesama manusia melalui profesi Sales person dengan menggunakan produk atau jasa yang dijual sebagai alatnya.

Sales person yang sudah mencapai tingkatan DIVINE ini tidak perduli dengan karir atau uang lagi. Mereka hanya ingin membantu sesama mereka, secara bertanggung jawab, dengan terlebih dahulu memakai produk atau jasa yang mereka jual. Kalau manfaat yang mereka rasakan itu memang seperti apa yang tertera pada kemasan atau keterangannya, mereka baru mau memasarkan produk tersebut. Bukan lagi hanya menjadi objek dari perusahaan tempat mereka bekerja atau bekerja sama, melainkan sebagai subjek dari penjualan itu sendiri. Disini benar-benar kepercayaan dari konsumen akan terbentuk, karena bukti nyata ada di depan mata mereka. Unconcious sang DIVINE SALES PERSON akan berkomunikasi langsung dengan unconcious prospect. Pancaran sinar kejujuran dan ketulusan akan terlihat memancar dari dalam sehingga menghadirkan perasaan yang damai dalam hati prospect atau klien mereka. Oh ya, satu hal lagi yang keluar dari unconcious saya, diingatkan bahwa para DIVINE SALES PERSON ini dengan sengaja, tanpa paksaan atau keharusan dari perusahaan tempat mereka bekerja atau bekerja sama, membeli sendiri dari kantong mereka dan menggunakan produk dan jasa yang mereka pasarkan. Kenapa begitu ? Biar mereka merasakan sensasi yang mirip dengan apa yang dirasakan para konsumen mereka.

Pastinya nanti ada pendapat yang keluar seperti ini,"Kalau barang yang dijual mahal, misal mobil mewah, rumah, atau apapun yang harganya sangat-sangat mahal, bagaimana sanggup mereka membeli ?" Sebetulnya, yang ideal adalah seperti ini. Seorang sales person yang baik adalah seorang yang mengerti betul luar dalam dari lingkungan pada segment tempat mereka memasarkan produk dan jasanya. Makanya akan lebih baik kalau Sales person berasal dari lingkungan itu. Sekali lagi, kita bicarakan DIVINE SALESMANSHIP, dimana UANG DAN JABATAN KARIR bukan tujuan lagi. Permasalahannya, pasti ada masalahnya, penjual untuk kalangan tersebut biasanya dari 1 sampai 3 level dibawah dari lingkungan tersebut. Yang jelas masih mengejar komisi sebagai salah satu dari 5-10 prioritas utama dalam hidupnya saat itu. Nah, adakah cara untuk mereka ini bisa mencapai DIVINE SALESMANSHIP LEVEL ?

Salam Damai Sejahtera,

Anton Karya
Salesmanship Motivator
http://www.thewarriorways.com
0818922388 / 02132122188


Sent from my WarriorBerry®

Jumat, Maret 20, 2009

Kesederhanaan untuk Kelimpahan ( Asumsi itu pedang mata dua...)

Tengah hari bolong, jam makan siang orang kantoran, seorang pria yang berpakaian T Shirt kusam dan celana pendek sampai lutut memasuki sebuah toko berlian. Pria itu melihat-lihat etalase di dalam toko berlian tersebut. " Hmm, ini kelihatannya bagus sekali..." kata pria itu dalam hatinya. Ia pun segera mendongakkan mukanya, mencari pramuniaga toko tersebut untuk mencari informasi tentang sebuah cincin berlian. Sayangnya, tidak ada satupun yang berdiri di dekat pria itu. Pria itu memutar badannya melihat ke arah belakang punggungnya. Ternyata ada seorang pramuniaga yang, ada disana tetapi memandang keluar toko tersebut, memperhatikan orang yang lalu lalang. Pria itu pun segera menghampiri pramuniaga tersebut. " Mba, saya mau tanya dong tentang cincin berlian disitu..." kata pria tersebut. " Semua sudah ada di etalase itu koq pak..." sahut sang pramuniaga itu, berbarengan dengan senyum yang sangat terlihat dipaksakan. " Oh ya, itu yang mau saya tanyakan, soalnya saya kurang mengerti mba. Boleh tolong bantu saya ?" pinta pria itu. Dengan langkah yang berat, sang pramuniaga mendahului pria tersebut menuju etalase cincin berlian tersebut.
" Pak, ini cincin emas putih, dengan berlian 0.5 carat...Harganya 10 juta...Cukup jelas disini tertulis pak..."
" Oh, begitu ya mba...Harganya tidak bisa kurang lagi ya ? Saya mau berikan hadiah untuk istri saya..."
"Pak, kalau disini harganya sudah segitu saja, lagi tidak ada program diskon. Tidak bisa ditawar..." sahut sang Pramuniaga dengan senyum, tetap ketus." Maaf ya pak, ada pengunjung lain yang harus dilayani. Kalau masih ada yang mau ditanyakan, nanti saya kembali lagi kesini..."
Baru saja pria itu membuka bibirnya untuk menjawab, sang pramuniaga sudah berjalan menuju pengunjung yang baru saja memasuki toko tersebut.
Sang pria itu, tersenyum. Kembali ia melihat ke etalase tersebut dan ia termenung disana untuk beberapa lama. Akhirnya sang manajer toko tersebut melihat pria tersebut, lalu menghampirinya," Sudah ada yang membantu pak ?" Agak terkejut, pria itu menjawab," Oh...sudah...sudah...tadi mba itu sudah membantu saya..." sambil jari telunjuknya diarahkan perlahan ke tempat dimana pramuniaga itu berdiri. " Ada lagi pak yang bapak perlukan ? " kembali sang manajer bertanya.
"Ya mas, saya mau beli cincin ini...dan tolong anggap saja mba itu yang menjual kepada saya"
" Begitu pak...Baiklah kalau begitu..."
" Oh ya pak, notanya atas nama siapa...?"
Dan terkagetlah sang manajer toko tersebut mendengar nama itu. Nama yang dikenalnya sebagai pemilik jaringan toko diskon yang terkenal dan ada di seluruh pelosok negeri. Sang manajer akhirnya benar-benar melihat, kesederhanaan pria yang selama ini hanya terdengar di surat kabar.

***************
Kekayaan tidaklah berhubungan langsung dengan kesederhanaan. Asumsi Anda berbahaya untuk kelangsungan baik karir maupun keuangan Anda. Melayani adalah tugas semua penjual dan tidak perlu Anda pilih, sebab Anda tidak pernah tahu isi dompet maupun rekening prospect Anda khan ?


Salam Damai Sejahtera,

Anton Karya
Salesmanship Motivator
http://www.thewarriorways.com
0818922388 / 02132122188


Sent from my WarriorBerry®

Jumat, Oktober 24, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Destructive Responses to Anger

There are two equally devastating responses to anger: explosion and implosion. We may think that one is more destructive than the other, but the truth is implosive anger can be as damaging as explosive anger.

Remember, anger itself is not sinful. Paul said, “Being angry, sin not.” That is the challenge - to control our response to anger.

Explosive Anger
Explosive anger expresses itself in two modes: words and actions. Verbal abuse and physical abuse are now household
words in America. Uncontrolled anger is at the root of all such abuse.

Some people pride themselves on “speaking their mind,” but the first step is in admitting that such verbal explosions are not healthy. They are not loving, kind, tender, or caring. Anger needs to be processed, but not by verbally abusive explosions.

A Story of Accountability
Harvey was a man of action.
When he got angry, he was quick to fight.

Within six months of being married to Judy, Harvey pushed her against the wall. She knew that his behavior was wrong, so she wrote him a letter and mailed it to his office telling him that she loved him. She said in the letter that she didn’t think that he meant to hurt her, but that if he ever touched her again in an angry way that she would leave until she was assured by a counselor that it was safe to live with him again.

Judy is doing the hard work of love. She is holding Harvey accountable for his sinful behavior. Since she is taking this action early in their marriage, she will probably be the person God uses to help Harvey deal with his destructive response to anger.

Implosive Anger
Some Christians who would deplore explosive anger fail to realize that implosive anger is as destructive in the long
run. Whereas explosive anger begins with rage and may quickly turn to violence, implosive anger begins with silence and withdrawal but in time leads to resentment, bitterness, and eventually hatred.

Those who practice an implosive method of responding to anger often begin by denying that they are angry at all. But anger does not die with denial. Internalized anger will often express itself in passive-aggressive behavior. The person is passive on the outside, trying to give the appearance that nothing is wrong, but eventually the anger is expressed in other ways.

Examine your own negative behavior and see if it is rooted in anger. This is why the Scriptures tell us get rid of anger before the sun goes down.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from Anger by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Jumat, Oktober 10, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - The Love Language of Physical Touch

This week we are going to focus on the love language of physical touch. We have long known the emotional power of physical touch. Research has shown that babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. I suspect the same is true of adults.

Physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse. All marriages are enhanced by tender physical touch.

If Your Spouse Doesn't Enjoy Physical Touch
One wife said, “I want to touch my husband, but when I try, he draws back. He acts like it irritates him, unless of
course we are having sex.” What is this man telling his wife by his behavior? That physical touch is not his primary love language. He will respond much better to “words of affirmation” or one of the other love languages. If physical touch is your spouse's primary love language, they will welcome tender touches any time you want to give them.

Some people will find it difficult to speak the language of physical touch. They were not touched as children, and touching is uncomfortable for them. But anyone can learn to speak this language. Remember, love is seeking to meet your spouse's needs, but your own. You don’t touch because it feels comfortable to you, but because it communicates love to them.

Dialects of Love
In marriage, the love language of physical touch has many dialects. This does not mean that all touches are created
equal. Some will bring more pleasure to your spouse than others. Your best instructor is your spouse. Your wife or husband knows what they perceive as a loving touch. Don’t insist on touching them in your way and in your time.

Respect their wishes. Learn to speak their dialect. Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to them.

There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch in every society. All societies have some form of physical
touching as a means of social greeting. This is also true in marriage. Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love. Tender physical touch can be a powerful language of love, but harsh abusive touch can actually destroy love. Clearly our bodies are made for touching, but not for physical abuse.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Jumat, Oktober 03, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Getting Rid of Bitterness

Have you ever been deeply hurt by your spouse? Some of you may be saying, “Yes, again and again and again.” Then chances are you have also felt anger and bitterness toward your spouse. What are you going to do with these strong emotions that won’t seem to go away?

Unexpressed and Uncontrolled Anger
Let’s look at two negative ways and one positive way of responding to anger and bitterness.

First, there is unexpressed anger; holding it inside and letting it smolder. When we do this, the bitterness becomes like a malignant cancer slowly destroying the fiber of life. Then, there is uncontrolled expression of anger. Like an explosion it destroys everything in its range. Such an outburst is like an emotional heart attack and may produce permanent damage.

There is a better way. It begins by saying to yourself, “I’m extremely angry and bitter about what my spouse has done. But I will not allow their wrong to destroy me and I will not attempt to destroy them. I will turn my spouse over to God who is just, and I will release my anger and bitterness to God.” The Biblical challenge is “get rid of anger and bitterness” (Col. 3:8).

Releasing to God
Confess to God that you have held your anger inside and that you are bitter. Ask His forgiveness for handling your anger in a sinful way. Then confess your bitterness to your spouse and ask forgiveness. Find a counselor or trusted friend who can help you release your spouse and your anger to God, in order to live a constructive life in the future. Let me admit that a one time confession of bitterness may not eliminate all hostile feelings. If the bitterness has been there a long time, the hostile feelings may die slowly
.

Whose Responsibility?
Paul said, “Never pay back evil for evil... Never take your own revenge, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:17,19). You may have been greatly wronged by your spouse, but it is not your responsibility to punish them for their sin. They must face God with their sin, and God is a just judge. Verbal retaliation accomplishes no constructive purpose. Seeking the good of your mate, which the Bible calls love, has much potential for good
.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from Hope for the Separated by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Jumat, September 26, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Understanding Personality Differences

We often hear of personality clashes. If we are going to understand each other, we must identify our personality differences.

The Peacemaker
Let's take a look at the peacemaker. This is the calm, slow, easy-going, well-balanced personality. This person is typically pleasant, doesn’t like conflicts, seldom seems ruffled, and rarely expresses anger. The peacemaker has emotions, but does not easily reveal them. In a marriage the peacemaker wants calm, tends to ignore conflicts, and avoids arguments at all costs.

The down side of this personality is that conflicts are often left unresolved. If they do get into an argument, the peacemaker will try to calm the other person by giving in even if he does not agree. They are kindhearted, sympathetic and want everybody just to enjoy life.

The Controller
What about someone who has a controlling personality? The controller is the quick, active, practical, strong-willed person. They tend to be self-sufficient, independent, decisive, and opinionated. Finding it easy to make decisions for their self, they often make decisions for other people as well.

Problems are seen as challenges to the controller. They have dogged determination and do not sympathize easily with others. The controller does not easily express compassion or warm emotions. While controllers typically accomplish much in life, they often run over others who stand in their way. If one has a strong controlling personality, he or she will likely need help in understanding how their actions affect others.

The Party Maker
Next, let's look at the party maker. This is the warm, lively, excited personality. For this person, all of life is a party. The party maker enjoys people, does not like solitude, and is at their best when surrounded by friends.

The downside of this personality is that others often see them as undependable and undisciplined. They are so much into the moment that they often forget previous commitments. If you are married to a party maker – enjoy the ride – and, ask your spouse how you might help them keep life on track.

The Journey Toward Harmony
The reason it is so important to understand personality types is that we tend to seek to meet our psychological and spiritual needs in keeping with our personality. If we understand the role that personality plays in motivating our behavior, we will understand each other better. Understanding leads to greater harmony in relationships
.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from Desperate Marriages by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Senin, September 15, 2008

Relationship Corner with Dr. Gary Chapman - When Your Adult Child Is Not Succeeding

The poor decisions of your adult children can often bring great stress into your life. One of the first questions parents often ask is, “What did we do wrong?” That is not a bad question, because if you did wrong, it’s time to confess and ask forgiveness of your adult child. Honest confession may open the door to a renewed relationship.

On the other hand, you are not responsible for the decisions of your adult child. You may not have been a perfect parent, but now that they are adults, they must accept responsibility for their own actions. You can help them. You can encourage them. But you cannot take responsibility for their decisions. They must suffer the consequences of their behavior if they are to change.

Get on Track
Often parents feel guilty for past failures and allow an adult child to manipulate them and give in to unreasonable
demands. But the fact is that you may be hurting more than helping. The more dependent your child becomes, the worse they will feel about themselves.

When you withhold funds, they may find the motivation they need to look for work. When they work, they begin to feel better about themselves. If you and your spouse cannot agree on a strategy for helping your child, then perhaps you need to talk to a pastor or counselor who can help you be objective. It’s worth the time and effort to get on a positive track. They need to see that you have their best interests in mind.

Should We Agree?
One of the first steps is seeking to understand the young person’s point of view. This requires a willingness to ask
questions, and then to listen with a view to understanding what is going on in the mind of the child. This is a bridge that many parents find difficult to cross. Remember that we don’t have to agree with our children in order to affirm their ideas. It is such affirming realism that helps young adults mature.

Uniting with Your Spouse
If you are struggling with the behavior of your adult child, it is essential that you and your spouse talk with each
other. When the two of you have agreed on a strategy, then stand by each other as you talk with your adult child. It is a united front, shared with love and firmness that convinces the young adult that he is at a crossroads in life. Your togetherness helps both of you to handle your frustration, and your marriage has a chance to grow stronger.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from Parenting Your Adult Child by Dr. Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Jumat, September 05, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Service in Your Family

In Bill Bennett’s bestselling The Book of Virtues, he lists work as one of the top ten virtues. Most historians agree that Western culture was built on the work ethic. In the family, much work needs to be done. Clothes must be washed, beds need to be made, food has to be prepared, trash must be stashed. Animals must be fed, cars must be washed, and grass must be mowed.

Who does all of this work in your family? Ideally it is shared by the husband, wife, and children. But the more important question is “With what attitude do you work?” If the road to greatness is serving others, then such work gives me a chance to aspire to greatness.

The Desire to Serve
In a healthy family, members have the sense that as they do something for the benefit of other family members, they are doing something genuinely good - almost noble. Individuals have an internal desire to serve, and an emotional sense of satisfaction with a job done for others. In a highly functional family, there develops the sense that service to others is one of life’s highest callings.

I believe that such an attitude of service must begin with the parents. If Dad is doing things to make Mom’s life easier, and Mom is serving Dad, it won’t be long until the kids want to get in on the fun. For those who don’t know where to start, let me suggest the following question: “What could I do for you this evening?”

The Hallmark of Greatness
In every vocation, those who truly excel are those who have a genuine desire to serve others. The most notable physicians view their vocation as a calling to serve the sick and diseased. Truly great politicians see themselves as “public servants." The greatest of all educators seeks to help the student reach his or her potential.

It is no different in the family. It is in giving our lives to each other that we all become winners. The scriptures say, “Give and it shall be given unto you.” They never say, “Demand and people will do what you demand.” The fact is, most people do not respond well to demands. But few people will reject loving service.

The hallmark of greatness is not the accumulation of wealth, nor the gaining of powerful positions. The hallmark of greatness is service to others.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from The Family You've Always Wanted: Five Ways You Can Make it Happen by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Physical Intimacy in Marriage Part 2 of 2

Men and women are similar, yet vastly different. That was God’s design. In the sexual area of life, God also made us different.

The Desire For Intimacy
Men are stimulated by sight. The female is far more stimulated by tender touch, affirming words, and acts of thoughtfulness. That is why many wives have said, “Sex doesn’t begin in the bedroom. It begins in the kitchen. It doesn’t start at night. It starts in the morning.” The way she is treated and spoken to throughout the day will have a profound effect upon her desire for sexual intimacy.

I’m convinced that if husbands would follow the Biblical admonition to “dwell with their wives according to knowledge” (I Peter 3:7), they would discover the sexual intimacy which God designed marriage to provide.

The Effect On Family
Intimacy between the husband and wife spills over into the rest of family life. If intimacy is missing in the marital relationship, it will likely be distorted in parent-child relationships and in sibling relationships. In healthy families, husbands and wives make their marriage top priority. Intimacy between a husband and wife not only serves their own needs, but provides the highest level of emotional security for children.

It is my own commitment to this principle that has led me to invest the bulk of my time and energy in the field of marriage enrichment. Both my writing and my seminars focus on the marital relationship.

I am fully convinced that my greatest contribution to the children of this generation lies in helping their mothers and fathers build intimate marriages. It was God who said the two are to become “one flesh." In this reality, marriage finds its highest purpose.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from The Family You've Always Wanted: Five Ways You Can Make it Happen by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Physical Intimacy in Marriage Part 1 of 2

Last week we discussed four types of maritial intimacy. The fifth is physical intimacy, which will be covered this week and next week.

The book of Genesis says that when a husband and wife have sexual intercourse, they become “one flesh." It is the consummating act of marriage, the physical expression of the inward union of two lives.

Sex is not simply a matter of joining two bodies that were uniquely made for each other. It speaks of intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual bonding as well. Sex was God’s idea, and marriage is the context in which it finds ultimate meaning.

Celebrate the Differences
Sexual intimacy is certainly near the top on the list of intimacies commonly desired in marriage. Because men and women are sexually different (long live the difference!), we often approach sexual intimacy in different ways. The husband’s emphasis is most often on the physical aspects--
seeing, touching, and feeling. On the other hand, the wife emphasizes the emotional aspects--to feel loved, cared for, and treated tenderly. For her, these pave the road to sexual intimacy.

Mutual Satisfaction
Understanding male-female differences is necessary if we are going to discover God’s ideal of sexual intimacy. The husband must learn to focus on his wife’s emotional need for love. The wife must understand the physical aspect of her husband’s sexual desires. As in all other areas of marriage, this requires learning. If the couple focuses on making the sexual experience an act of love, each seeking to pleasure the other, they will find sexual intimacy.

It should be obvious that we cannot separate sexual intimacy from emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual intimacy. You can study these separately, but in the context of human relationships, they can never be compartmentalized.

The sense of closeness, of being one, of finding mutual satisfaction is reserved for the couple who is willing to do the hard work of learning. Love can be learned, and sexual intimacy is one of the results.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from The Family You've Always Wanted: Five Ways You Can Make it Happen by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Senin, Agustus 18, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Understanding Marital Intimacy

We did not get married in order to find a convenient way to cook meals, wash dishes, do laundry, and rear children. We married out of a deep desire to love and to be loved, to live life together, believing that together we could experience life more deeply than apart.

How can we experience this? Let's look at the five essential components of an intimate relationship: sharing our thoughts (intellectual intimacy), discussing our feelings (emotional intimacy), spending time with each other (social intimacy), opening our souls to each other (spiritual intimacy), and sharing our bodies (physical intimacy).

Intellectual Intimacy
From the moment we arise in the morning, our minds are active. Intimacy requires that we share some of our thoughts
with each other. I am not talking about only highly intellectual thoughts; they may just be ones focused on finances, food, or health. When two minds link, they build intellectual intimacy.

Emotional Intimacy
The sharing of feelings also builds emotional intimacy. Be willing to say “I’m feeling a lot of fear right now,” or
“I am really happy tonight.” In making such statements, we are choosing to be intimate with our spouses, to reveal to them what's going on in our emotional world. Learning to talk about emotions can be one of the most rewarding experiences of life.

Social Intimacy
Social intimacy has to do with spending time together around the events of life. As I share these events with my
spouse, our horizons are broadened. Another part of social intimacy involves the two of us doing things together, alone or with others. A picnic in the park or even on the deck can add excitement to an otherwise drab day. The things we do together form some of our most vivid memories, and they also build social intimacy.

Spiritual Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy is often the least developed of all the intimacies of a marriage, yet it has a profound impact
upon all other areas. It is fostered not only by verbal communication, but also by shared experience. One wife said, “There is something about experiencing worship together that gives me a sense of closeness to my husband. We hold hands during the prayers. We share with each other what we liked about the service.” Intimacy flourishes as we share our spiritual journey. Next week, we will discuss physical intimacy.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from The Family You've Always Wanted: Five Ways You Can Make it Happen by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Jumat, Agustus 08, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Living with an Irresponsible Spouse

When we enter marriage, we assume we are marrying a responsible person. We know that our roles will be somewhat different, but we each assume that our spouse will use his mind, skills, and energy for our mutual benefit. When it seems apparent that our spouse is not the responsible person we thought we married, we feel hurt, angry, and often agitated.

Our response is influenced by our personality. If I am by nature a “controller”, I will deliver anger lectures about irresponsibility. If I am a “peacemaker”, then I may suffer in silence. Neither of these approaches is very productive. The first step in becoming a positive influence on your irresponsible spouse is to identify the problem behind the behavior.

Behind the Behavior
Let’s assume that your husband has little ambition. He won’t work. He shows no interest in fathering or being a
husband. What lies behind this? Let me suggest four possibilities:

1. He may be following the model of his father. He is simply doing what seems natural to him.
2. He may be rebelling against the model of his father. His father was a workaholic. As a child he decided that work
was bad, and so consciously or unconsciously he is rebelling.
3. He has developed a self-centered attitude. He is a taker, not a giver.
4. His irresponsible behavior may be an expression of his resentment toward you. Whatever you want, he will move in
the opposite direction. His needs are not met and this is his way of expressing it.

Understanding what is behind your husband’s irresponsible behavior will help you choose a positive approach to addressing the problem.

Your Responsibility
Positive action begins by examining your own behavior to see how you might be contributing to your spouse’s
irresponsibility. Acknowledge your own imperfections. Ask for suggestions on how you can be a better spouse. If you're going to be a positive change agent, you must change the emotional climate.

A Small Request
Once your spouse gives positive feedback, you know you are getting through to them on an emotional level. Now it is
time to make a request of them. “Do you know what I would really like? I would like for us to have a picnic. If I make the sandwiches, would you pack the drinks?” A small but specific request. If your spouse responds positively, you are on the road to seeing more requests honored. As they respond, you begin to feel loved. You can continue to influence them in a positive direction.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from Desperate Marriages by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Minggu, Juli 27, 2008

Relationship Corner with DR. Gary Chapman - When Your Adult Child Moves Home

You thought your adult children were gone, but suddenly they are back in your house. Many couples have discovered that the main problem was their reactions to each other. The adult child was fine, but the two of them found themselves fighting each other. If you find yourself fighting, please seek a negotiator and let him or her help you draw up some reasonable guidelines that will make life easier for everyone. This may be a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend.

Planners and Strugglers
Two types of young adults return home: planners and strugglers. Planners come home to prepare for independent living. Their goals usually include saving money, paying school debts, and building a nest egg for the future. They add vitality to their parents’ lives.

Strugglers tend to return home out of necessity. They find the outside world threatening and don’t want to struggle on their own. Parents who can respond with understanding will help them reach the level of maturity necessary to go out on their own and lead productive lives.

Terms and Conditions
When your adult child returns home, it is important that you work out an agreement on a few critical issues. First, establish a time limit for the nesting experience. Second, formulate a financial agreement that will take into account the financial goals of all parties. And third, respect the need for privacy. Your marriage will not only survive but thrive if you work together in forging such an agreement.

A Thriving Marriage
Parents who have adult children at home can consider themselves fortunate in several ways. First, they are able to help their children. Parents of strugglers also have the opportunity to rectify past mistakes. They have additional time with their children while the children are developing life values.

Nurturing your own marriage is extremely important for your adult children. They need to see a model of two adults loving and encouraging each other through the years. In order to encourage our adult children, we need to encourage each other in our marriage. Giving each other words of encouragement not only sets a model for your adult children, but it gives your spouse the emotional fuel to keep going.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from Parenting Your Adult Child: How You Can Help Them Achieve Their Full Potential by Dr. Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Jumat, Juli 18, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Love is a Choice

The Five Love Languages has helped hundreds of thousands of couples rediscover warm emotional feelings for each other. Now, this did not happen because someone decided, “I’m going to have warm feelings toward my spouse again.” It began when one person decided, “I’m going to express love to my spouse in spite of the fact that I don’t have warm feelings toward her or him.” Emotional love can be rediscovered. The key is learning the love language of your spouse and choosing to speak it regularly. Warm feelings are the results of loving actions. Love is a choice.

A Powerful Weapon
How can we express love to our spouses when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? Remember
the words of Jesus: “Love your enemies. Bless those who curse you.” Why would Jesus say this? Because love is the most powerful weapon to change the heart of the other person. Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different.

The Full Tank
If I know my wife's primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she
will feel secure in my love. If she does the same for me, my emotional needs are met and both of us live with a full “love tank”.

How do you create this kind of growing marriage? It all begins with the choice to love. I recognize that as a husband, God has given me the responsibility of meeting my wife’s need for love. I choose to accept that responsibility and learn how to speak her primary love language. What happens? My wife’s attitude and feelings toward me become positive. Now she reciprocates and my need for love is also met. Love is a choice.

It May Be Unnatural
What if speaking your spouse’s love language doesn’t come natural for you? The answer is simple: “You learn to
speak it!” My wife’s love language is "acts of service". One of the things I do for her regularly as an act of love is to vacuum the floors. Do you think this comes naturally for me? You couldn’t pay me enough to vacuum the house. There is only one reason I do it: LOVE. You see, when it doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love.

The Key to Emotional Warmth
Your spouse has a primary love language, and if you learn to speak it, you will see a radical change in your
spouse. The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch and gifts.

Learn your spouse’s primary love language and you will have the key to unlocking warm feelings. You don’t have to have warm emotions toward your spouse to speak their language. Love is a choice.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Senin, Juli 14, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Distorted Anger

Satan has used many strategies to mischannel God’s intention for human anger. One of the most powerful is to make us think that all of our anger is of equal value; that is, that all of our anger is valid. Two kinds of anger exist: definitive and distorted. Definitive anger is born of wrongdoing. Someone treats us unfairly, lies about us or in some other way does us wrong. This is valid anger.

The second kind of anger, however, is not valid. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort. No wrong was committed. This is distorted anger, and learning the difference between definitive and distorted anger is the first step in handling anger in a godly way.

Dirty Dishes
In distorted anger, a perceived wrong leads to the anger. Picture this. I eat dinner and leave for a meeting. I
return three hours later to find the dirty dishes still on the table and my spouse on the couch watching TV. I am angry. Why? I perceive that they have been lazy, thoughtless, irresponsible. But If I pause and ask what happened that the dishes are still on the table, I may learn that my spouse has been sick and unable to wash the dishes. My anger is distorted.

Are You a Perfectionist?
Two questions are important
in determining the validity of anger. The first is, “What wrong was committed?” The second is, “Am I sure I have all the facts?”

The perfectionist has high expectations not only for himself, but for others. When people do not live up to these expectations, he will often get angry. Such anger is distorted. Don’t allow your perfectionistic personality keep you angry with your spouse. Let your spouse be who he or she is - a little less than perfect.

Get the Facts
Often in marriage we get angry because something our spouse says or does embarrasses us. Something they fail to do
irritates us. We start thinking, “I can’t depend on her for anything. She doesn’t love me. If she loved me, she would not let this happen.” When you are angry, think before you act. Make sure you have all of the facts, and pray for wisdom. You may discover that your anger is distorted.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Jumat, Juni 27, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Trouble in Paradise Part 2 of 2

Keeping Love Alive
Last week we talked about bringing two lives together in harmony. Keep your love alive after the honeymoon. There will be times in your relationship where, instead of sharing your f
eelings and trying to resolve differences, you'll be tempted to ask yourself, “Why bother?” Don’t make that mistake. Maintaining communication with your spouse will take patience and persistence.

Never assume that silence or indifference is preferable to conflict. It’s not. As long as you and your spouse are interacting and trying to resolve your differences, there’s hope. When you stop talking, hope dies. Keep your relationship on the front burner. Neglect your relationship and you'll poison your intimacy. It is by talking and listening that we learn to work together as a team, and that’s what a growing marriage is all about.

Which Wedges Divide You and Your Spouse?
Get rid of potential wedges in your relationship. A relationship wedge is anything that has the potential to drive
you and your spouse apart. The first and most dangerous wedge is pride--specifically, the pride that keeps you from apologizing. Pride turns simple misunderstandings into long-term problems.

Other potential wedges include negative input from friends and family, overbooked schedules, and indifference. You probably won’t be able to remove all the wedges from your relationship, but you can remove enough to give your love a chance to grow.

Another way to create a better climate is to look for positive things in your spouse. Your spouse may have traits and hidden talents that you knew nothing about before you were married. Look for these things and compliment your spouse. You can create a better atmosphere if you use positive words. Find the goodness in your spouse and proclaim it loudly, especially in front of other people.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from The World's Easiest Guide to Family Relationships by Dr. Gary Chapman, with Randy Southern. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Jumat, Juni 20, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Trouble in Paradise Part 1 of 2

If you entered marriage believing that you could merge lives effortlessly, the first thing you need to do is change your expectations. The truth is, living together requires many adjustments.

Remember this is not like trying to put up with a college roommate or the person splitting the rent in your apartment, where you can choose to ignore minor irritations or strange habits until the end of the lease. This is your life partner, the one you vowed to stay with until death. And not just stay together, but build an intimate relationship. This week we'll talk about bringing two lives together in harmony.

It's the Little Things
You found out he snores like a lumberjack. She squeezes the toothpaste in the middle. He thinks Burger King and laser tag are the ingredients of a romantic evening. She sings the wrong lyrics to every song on the radio.

The key to working through such irritations is to keep them in their proper perspective. Don’t let small things become big problems. Remind yourself that these are not life threatening problems. If we can find solutions, fine. If not, we can live with them. Here’s a plan for requesting change. Tell your spouse three things you like about them and then make one request. For example: “If possible, could you please get the hairs out of the sink when you finish?” I'll advise you not to request change more than once every two weeks.

Where's my "Happily Ever After?"
Too many couples view marriage as the finish line of their relationship. They work and work to make it to their wedding day, then sit back and wait for “happily ever after” to begin. If doing nothing is your strategy for keeping love alive in your relationship, you’re in trouble. The wedding is the first step, not the final one. To make your relationship work over the long haul, you need to put the same kind of time, energy, and effort into it after the wedding that you did when you were dating.

Do you remember some of the things you did when dating? Did you give gifts? Did you speak to each other kindly? Maybe it’s time to ask your spouse, "Of all the things that I did when we were dating, which would you most like for me to do now?"

In Part 2 of Trouble in Paradise next week, we'll talk about keeping love alive after the honeymoon and getting rid of relationship wedges.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from The World's Easiest Guide to Family Relationships by Dr. Gary Chapman, with Randy Southern. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Rabu, Juni 18, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Married and Miserable

What is the state of your marriage? Can you identify with this wife? “My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We don't believe in divorce, but our marriage is miserable. We have some big problems that we've never been able to resolve. We need help.”

I later discovered that this wife was married to an alcoholic husband who was also irresponsible in his work. Is there hope for their marriage? I believe there is, if she is willing to take the steps of tough love. Tough love holds the spouse accountable for negative behavior. To accept such behavior or even to argue over it does not improve the situation. Tough love offers hope.

Seek the Lord
There is hope for desperate marriages, and you must first of all adopt a positive attitude. You must agree that God is still in the business of changing lives and say, “Father, I know there is an answer to our problems. Show me the next step.” This focus on seeking solutions will lead you to answers.

A Powerful Influence
Can things change? Can spouses change? Can you help stimulate that change? Yes! Your most powerful influence is love. First, soft or tender love, like learning to speak your spouse's love language. Second is tough love, which says, “I love you too much to sit here and do nothing while you destroy our marriage.”

What are Your Options?
True or false? When you are in a desperate marriage, there are only two options – resign yourself to a life of misery, or get out. False! Many couples accept the commonly held idea that they should get out and start over, or just accept the fact that they'll live in misery forever. I want to suggest that there is a third option: Let God use you as a positive change agent in your marriage. You cannot make your spouse change, but you can positively influence your spouse. Most of us underestimate the power of influence.

Make a Request
The fact is, change is inevitable. Your marriage will either get better or worse. You can be a positive change agent in the hand of God for making it better. It starts by turning to God for His wisdom and power. He really does care about your marriage. Let God change your attitude and your heart, so you can be a part of the solution rather than a part of the problem.

There are five love languages. What's yours? Take the 30-second quiz.

Excerpt taken from Desperate Marriages by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Jumat, Mei 23, 2008

Relationship Corner by DR. Gary Chapman - Unconditional Love

Unconditional love means that we love, and thus seek the best for the other person, regardless of their response to us. This is God’s love, and His challenge to us in marriage. Modern thinking is much more conditional. On the other hand, unconditional love focuses on meeting the needs of the other person. It is the greatest gift you can give your spouse. It is not based on their behavior, but on your desire to love them as Christ loved you.

Making the First Move
In a healthy marriage, we will actually experience unconditional love. Far too many people are waiting for their spouse to make the first move. Someone has got to take the lead. Why not you?

Let me give you a suggestion. Say to your spouse, “I’ve been thinking about our marriage, and I realize that I have loved you conditionally. I think love should do better than that, and I want to make a fresh commitment to our marriage. I am going to ask you to give me one suggestion each week on what I can do to make your life better. Whatever you suggest, I’m going to do my best to do it.”

Choose to Love
That is unconditional love in action. I think you will find that most of your spouse’s suggestions will be perfectly legitimate and very doable. Keep on loving unconditionally. Eventually, they will respond positively and start loving you, or they will run from you because they feel so guilty. Either way, you will feel good about yourself. Unconditional love always wins.

Make a Request
You are choosing to give your spouse unconditional love every week by doing something for them, and are now in a position to make a request of them. Make it small at first. If they do it, you will feel a warm emotion inside. If not, you may feel disappointed. Don’t let this keep you from loving them. When they start responding to your requests, warm emotions build. You are experiencing the emotional warmth of feeling loved. Unconditional love has led to a rebirth of emotional love. It is God’s way of rebuilding a marriage.

Excerpt taken from Five Signs of a Loving Family by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

Senin, Mei 19, 2008

Relationship Corner by Dr. Gary Chapman - Money and Marriage part 2 of 2

Whose Money?
When you get married, it is no longer, “your money” and “my money,” but rather “our money.” Likewise, it is no longer “my debts” and “your debts,” but rather “our debts.” When you accept each other as a partner, you accept each other’s liabilities as well as each other’s assets.

A full disclosure of assets and liabilities should be made before marriage. It's not wrong to enter marriage with debts, but you ought to know what those debts are and agree on a plan for repayment.

Marriage is two becoming one. Applied to finances, this means that all our resources belong to both of us. One of us may be responsible for paying the bills and balancing the check book, but this should never be used as an excuse for hiding financial matters. Full and open discussions
should precede any financial decision. Marriage is enhanced by agreement in financial matters.

Saving and Investing
“A prudent man foresees the difficulties ahead and prepares for them; the simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences” (Proverbs 22:3). The wise couple plans for difficult times. Financially, this involves saving and investing. Many Christian financial advisors suggest that 10 percent be allotted to savings and investments. The couple who regularly saves a percentage of their income will have not only the reserve funds they need for emergencies, but also the satisfaction that comes from being good stewards.

Buy Now, Pay...Now
The media screams, “buy now, pay later.” What you don't hear is that if you “buy now,” you will pay much more later due to interest rates on credit card debt. The credit card encourages impulse buying, and most of us have more impulses than we can afford to follow.” Why not agree that “What we cannot afford, we will not purchase”? Most of us can live with less, and perhaps live more happily!

The scriptures teach that “Life does not consist in the abundance of the things that we
possess.” Life finds its greatest meaning in relationships. Material things bring momentary pleasure, while relationships last for a lifetime.

Excerpt taken from Dr. Gary Chapman on the Marriage You've Always Wanted. To find out more about Gary Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

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